Confessions of a wannabe trashwalker

Hotmess t-shirt dress is not long enough to cover my bum.

*Raises hand* Hi. My name is Jess, I’m 25 and I can’t find t-shirt dresses long enough to cover my fanny.

At 5ft 9inches before heels, I’m not the tallest but I’m also not the shortest. Combined with my size 12 figure, I fill out an oversized t-shirt well. Some may say too well. So well, in fact, THAT THEY ALWAYS SHOW MY BUM, FS.

You may have landed on this page thinking:
1) Why does she want to walk around in a t-shirt so badly?
2) What the fuck is a trashwalker?

Ok first of all, oversized t-shirt dresses are the holy grail of lazy girl style. There is nothing you can’t wear with them. Heels, boots, trainers, sliders; all footwear goes. “What about accessories?” I hear you cry! Never fear; backpacks, shoulder bags, chokers, the list goes on.

If you’re the type of girl who isn’t fond of dresses just try an oversized t-shirt. I swear you will never look back. Unless, like me, you are cursed by height and boobs.

Secondly – why am I using the term trashwalker? To answer that question we need to talk about David Kimmel-Spivey.

If for some reason this image doesn’t load, David rants: “What the crap is up with these basic ass teenage girls that look like crap wearing a huge baggy t-shirt and micro mini shorts… It’s something that you would wear taking out the trash. Why would these parents let them go out in public like this! To make matters worse — I think this is a regional thing because I travel all the time, and I don’t see this crap anywhere but here.” David pal, where are you looking? It’s a worldwide phenomenon? T-shirt dresses have been adopted across continents.

“It enrages me to a point of hatred that no one can understand” he continues, which is pretty darn strong. Imagine being so privileged in life that something so simple could push you to the point of hatred. Something as pure as teenage girls. Imagine.

Well gals, I think I know what really pushed David to the boiling point. Like me, David has probably found out that oversized t-shirts aren’t long enough to cover his fanny either.

Wearing a HotMess Not Your Baby t-shirt dress that doesn't actually fit like a dress should do because it doesn't cover my fanny.

The heartbreaking moment you realise nothing in the latest HotMess drop is going to work for you. The crushing feeling when your girls suggest ‘jeans and a nice top’ instead. The raging jealousy you feel when you see short girls getting away with a look you’ll never be able to pull off. I feel that pain too David, babe.

I might look sassy as hell in these outfit pics, but with one sharp gust of wind my lacey knickers could be on show for all of Manchester to see if I wasn’t wearing leggings. If I dropped my phone I’d have to wave goodbye to it forever, because there’s no way in hell I’d be able to bend over and pick it up.

I’ve made this mistake far too many times. A t-shirt dress that looks like maybe – just maybe – it would cover my bum/fanny. Alas, it is not meant to be. Ecommerce photography can be ever so deceiving, the models don’t have to worry about their bum being on show too much in a studio so they can get away with it.

Me? I have to wear full length bottoms to cover my peach.

David probably suffers from this too… but fucking hell mate, just whack on a pair of leggings like I’ve done. Or, I don’t know, just stop slagging off teenage girls? There’s a thought.

26 Comments

  1. February 19, 2018 / 2:21 pm

    This post made me laugh so much, haha! I think you look fine af, and I hold out hope that you’ll find your perfect trashwalker tee one of these days x

  2. Komal
    February 19, 2018 / 2:42 pm

    Hahaha I am dying this is so funny. I don’t share the same problem since I m 5ft, but def a good laugh!

  3. February 19, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I love oversized T-shirts! Maybe we should start a charity campaign to buy David a nice casual dress he can wear instead as they don’t seem to suit him? Poor guy sounds like he’s in desperate need of cheering up!

    • Jess - Actual Philocalist
      February 19, 2018 / 4:04 pm

      Ha Christy I’ve seen Go Fund Me accounts for less! Let’s set one up in his honor.

  4. Joanna
    February 19, 2018 / 3:50 pm

    This is so funny! I don’t really follow the latest fashion trends so I had no idea about this oversized tshirt look.

  5. February 19, 2018 / 5:46 pm

    This post has made me laugh, I am tall as well, and it is annoying trying to find clothes the right length x

  6. Dannii
    February 19, 2018 / 7:14 pm

    Haha I was laughing out loud at this. I have never heard of it before.

  7. February 19, 2018 / 7:25 pm

    Oh gosh I did have a giggle with this post! I hope one day you find the perfect place to buy your tshirts! There has to be somewhere that hears a taller gals cry!

    • Jess - Actual Philocalist
      February 20, 2018 / 1:24 pm

      Well, here’s the pickle Sarah. If I ever shop in a tall gal shop everythings a bit too tall. I’m kind of at a weird middle ground of ‘not-too-tall-but-still-above-average’. Plus for some reason, shops like Long Tall Sally don’t really cater to that same style. It’s more like workwear or for older women. That’s the vibe I get anyway.

  8. Hannah Denton
    February 19, 2018 / 8:12 pm

    Jessica…I’m howling

    “If I dropped my phone I’d have to wave goodbye to it forever, because there’s no way in hell I’d be able to bend over and pick it up.”

    • Jess - Actual Philocalist
      February 20, 2018 / 1:22 pm

      Hannah it’s true! Manchester does NOT want to see my bum.

  9. February 20, 2018 / 7:17 am

    I hate short t-shirts too and finding one the perfect length is the holy grail of shopping

  10. February 20, 2018 / 7:42 am

    SO TRUE! I think people should really stop commenting on what other people choose to wear. We’re not forcing them to look anyway. I’m not that tall so it’s easy for me to find an oversized shirt but I hear you and I can imagine how frustrating it can be sometimes. David definitely needs a chill pill.

  11. February 20, 2018 / 8:44 am

    This looks like the comfiest outfit on the planet! I’ll swap you your height and boobs for my shortness and flat chest – I tell you, a t-shirt that covers your bum isn’t worth it. 😉

  12. February 20, 2018 / 10:47 am

    I’m 5 ft 8 and I hear you! I love a shirt that covers my bum! It’s way comfier and I feel less self conscious too!

    • Jess - Actual Philocalist
      February 20, 2018 / 1:20 pm

      Laura, I’m so jealous that you can find t-shirt dresses that actually fit lol!

  13. February 20, 2018 / 10:59 am

    For this reason as I am a larger lady I can’t wear tshirt dresses without leggings as it just isn’t practical (or nice for anyone to see) x

  14. February 20, 2018 / 8:31 pm

    lol…the way you describe trashwalker–hahhaha!! I really could not stop laughing on the branded bag part and the part where you said you can loose your phone.

  15. February 20, 2018 / 11:49 pm

    This is a really great post hun, love the humour and I can relate especially as a fashion blogger!

  16. February 21, 2018 / 8:53 am

    Hahaha! Well, I’m not the most fashionable person around but hey I had such a good laugh reading this post! I’m not as tall as you but I always go for t-shirts/tops that are long enough to cover my bums, or else all my attention is there only. :/

  17. February 21, 2018 / 10:23 am

    I cant stop laughing, you really should be a comedian. I Love the sincerity in your write up and the outfit really look go on you.

  18. February 21, 2018 / 10:24 pm

    Ha ha this is so funny. I am definitely in the camp who do not like short t-shirts. They should be banned.

  19. February 22, 2018 / 2:42 am

    This was such a scream! I love your witty style of writing. My daughter is the fashionista ink this house.

  20. February 22, 2018 / 12:57 pm

    Oh I guess I’m kinda lazy because I love these kinds of Tshirts. Definitely made me laugh reading this!

  21. February 24, 2018 / 8:47 am

    This post was amazing to read – haha! And I would never intentionally scar others by me wearing a short t-shirt. No chance! haha!

  22. February 27, 2018 / 5:10 pm

    oh hell yes get those bulging bits down there covered ladies there’s nothing worse than fanny bulge and I love my leggings and gym bottoms but by god I need my bits covered and yes long t-shirts have to be bought

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