I have a confession to make. A few short months after relaunching Philocalist, I seriously lost heart with the internet. Not just blogging – the entire internet. You see, it truly feels as if the tides of the online world are shifting. What was once an open playing field, has now become a game that only the most privilege of society can succeed in.
Yes, as a CIS white woman, my statement probably seems pretty wild but I’m standing by it whole heartedly.
To succeed online – in blogging in particular – you need the money to invest, you need the luxury of time and you need to fit the ideal look of what people deem acceptable (this is usually ripped bodies and blonde hair).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people who fit this aren’t talented, but if you are skilled at music, writing, photography, art, dancing, etc and you DON’T fit the physical mold… well, you’ve going to have quite the battle on your hands. Is it impossible? No. But am I willing to put up the fight after over a decade of producing content online – I don’t think so.
This simply isn’t enjoyable anymore.
I want to continue writing. I want to keep this website. However, I’ll no longer be treating this space as a place where I regularly need to update and check in.
The truth is, I want to be good at something and feel good at something. Philocalist doesn’t give me that feeling. I’m confident in what I’m writing but the slog of trying to get someone to read it is just exasperating. I’ve had my successes – radio, tv, collaborations – but all in short bursts. Since none of these highs have built upon the other, the same old up and down journey has become tiresome and no longer worth the heartache.
But it isn’t just that. I feel as if there’s a glass ceiling with a personal blog. One that you can only really smash through if people care about you and want to know about you. I’m not a public personality – literally no one cares. I don’t mean this in a pity-party kind of way. It’s actually really funny when you think about it.
In all I’ve learnt in my day job, you really do need to put the reader as the first person in your post. Forgive me for not doing so here!
Writing on Philocalist has taught me a great deal and again, I’m not totally leaving forever! However, I have other projects I want to focus more clearly on. I don’t see my blog ‘taking off’ and I sure as hell don’t want to become a full-time blogger, so Philocalist simply doesn’t serve my end goal right now.
I hope you can understand.
Thanks for all the support – Jess.