Where is my mind?

Right, I’m not doing too good. So in a bid to rid myself of bad vibez, I’m just going to word vomit all over my blog and hope that the knot within me comes loose.

I’ve been miserable lately. Not just emotionally, it’s as if I can physically feel sadness. That really sounds like the most emo thing I’ve ever said in my life, but it’s true. My anxious spells are becoming unbearable. I’m panicking to the point of paralysis. I’m literally a shell of what I once was.

Again, very emo.

SO here’s a big massive list of all the things I’m worried about that one day I’ll come back to and say ‘HA! Is that what I was worried about? Everything turned out ok!’ I’d also like to write a disclaimer that I know there are MUCH worse things going wrong in the world than my small issues. I’m writing this as an exercise for myself not as a cry for help or sympathy. So if you read this rolling your eyes, I hope I can join you in doing so one day.

Creative lull
I feel like I’m having a creative lull. I haven’t written in a while and the two times I did work on some creative stuff at work, my draft post got deleted and it felt like an uphill battle to rewrite something because I couldn’t remember the exact structure of what I had written.

On two occasions I’ve tried to blog about this creative lull in the hope that I would magically find my muse and get back to normal. Alas, I am still void of creativity. What’s most frustrating is that I have genuinely never experienced one before. I’m the ideas gal. The person who acts on any creative urge. When my friends used to say things like ‘I can’t write today.’ I used to say ‘Oh well don’t force it or it won’t be your best work. Just take a break and come back to it.’ As if it’s that easy! I just didn’t know what to say because I couldn’t relate.

I keep telling myself things will get better when I get a new mac to edit on, or a better phone to document with or a new camera to shoot with. But then I remember that I can’t use my overdraft and I don’t fancy being in debt again – so that’s definitely not happening!

I’m doing good stuff that isn’t making me feel better
The worst thing about my current mental health is the fact that I’ve just launched a super positive ebook about self care and now I feel rubbish. I feel like a bit of a fraud even though I constantly tell people that it’s ok to have bad times.

I’m doing all my self care work yet I’m not getting much better. Maybe I’m holding myself to high standards but I actually feel like I’m getting worse. More panic attacks, more mood swings, more thoughts about how I’m the worst person in the world. It’s pathetic and illogical. It makes no god damn sense why I would ever feel this way and THAT is why it bugs me so much. I’m 25 now. I can’t keep acting like a depressed teenager.

The work launch
I just want to do a good job. That’s literally all I want, not just for me but for the artists we work with. Everytime we’ve been so close to launch, something has changed our path. This hasn’t always been a bad thing. In fact it’s been a blessing at times because we’ve got better and better at creating content and fleshing out campaign ideas – but still, I’m bricking it. Excited, but bricking it.

The build up to holiday
Holiday build up has always been the worst thing for me, which might sound daft to some. I feel so blessed and grateful to be able to have a holiday, but I do worry about a few things. The main issue is that it’s a break in my routine. I’ve said before, I like going to work and coming home and maybe going to the gym. I find a daily routine really comforting and interrupting that can send me into a bit of a state for a day or two.

Also, I’m really concerned about work whilst I’m away. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the company will fall apart without me – I’m not that self-centered! It’s more the fact that A) I need to get better at setting tasks and B) I worry about what I’ll come back too. Something also on my mind is handing off tasks that are half done. So for example, if I’m liaising with someone to get a job done and it’s not complete before I go away I’ll have the urge to check in and see how things are going.

My appearance
Right this is a big one. This is going to be a long sentence… I feel like shit because I put on weight and then I feel guilty for feeling like shit because I put on weight, since that shouldn’t be a big deal and I should learn to be body positive. It’s a constant circle of self-hating. I feel bad because I look bad. Then I feel guilty because I’m furthering an anti-body-posi narrative in my own head.

I’ve felt like this for a long time but after the minor accident I had last year I was scared to hurt my knee in the gym so it got worse. Much worse. Now when I do go to the gym, I have the added embarrassment of being the biggest person in my gym class. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, I know. Here comes the guilt again. I keep thinking how I feel in the gym – being the biggest person – is how I’m going to feel when we’re on holiday in Thailand.

Things that never normally annoy me are really starting to get to me. My teeth, my boobs, my stubby nails, my grey hairs. I’ve never given a shit about things like that because everyone’s different and that’s what makes people who they are – but here I am totally turning on myself.

This is also why I’ve been struggling to post. I feel like I can’t take blog photos because I hate the way I look and I haven’t posted on instagram for a month for the same reason.

The future
I used to have a really clear picture in my mind of what I was working towards. I’ve spoken before about how I used to dream of moving away from my hometown when I was younger. I dreamt about it, wished for it and worked towards it every single day.

Now, I haven’t got a clue. I don’t have a destination, I feel like I’m just walking into an unknown abyss. I’d love to say I’m working towards a owning a home or driving a car, or just some sort of adult goal that people have. That’s just not how it is for me.

I don’t currently live with my partner of 10 years but we’re both reaching a point that it might soon be possible. For a long time it wouldn’t have made sense for us to move in. He worked in Bury. I worked in the city centre. Moving in together would mean that one of us would have had a stressful commute to work. We respect each other enough to not put one another through this. However, my partner now works freelance, he can work from anywhere and whilst pay checks are never guaranteed, he’s growing his client list to a point where he’s almost comfortable.

That said, I can’t picture it happening. I don’t feel as if I’m working towards living together because I don’t know where that’s going to be and I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to afford a house in today’s world.

I often joke about wishing I had a crystal ball to look into the future. I just want to know where I should be headed and what I’m working towards. I want to know my end goal.

The feeling of loneliness
I don’t live with my partner but I do have a flatmate that hardly talks to me. We’re civil, but she’s just not interested in being friends and can be quite cold. Apart from that I don’t really have anyone in the city centre to hang out with. I used to try going to events and meet ups until someone told me ‘that’s like paying for friends’ and suddenly I felt really, really pathetic. I don’t really know what I can do about this because confronting the situation is just embarrassing. Even writing this paragraph makes me feel like the weird kid in school, so I’ll just stop writing this part because it’s really cringe worthy.

My health issues
My migraines are a mess at the moment. No pattern and very intense. There’s also the mystery ovary pain I’ve been suffering with for a while. Random bouts of pain that personally I think could be PCOS but the nurse has suggested possible endometriosis. Although there is some good news – I’m having an operation to find out what’s going on down there. So there’s that.

Maybe I should end on that positive note? I could go on but this just feels like a huge negative mess of a post – which it is. I can’t believe I’ve written over 1500 words about why I feel like shit and it’s not even half of it. No one’s going to read this shit anyway. Who am I even signing off to? Well anyway, on the rare occasion someone does – thanks for reading and let’s just hope that this all works out in the end. Hopefully I’ll be able to do a follow up post with Jeremih – Paradise as the title song instead. That would be sweet. ♡

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